I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
