he wants to bone in the snuggie
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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