my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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