took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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