So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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