Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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