i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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