i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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