finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
