Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Someone signed my nipple.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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