do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
