it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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