oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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