Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
