i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize