So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize