and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
