She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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