The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
