dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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