There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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