So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
