I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
