I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
