At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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