i will never coherently bang her
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
