I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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