it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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