not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
