Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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