i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
