I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
