my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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