You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
