i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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