we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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