When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
