Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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