Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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