I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
