Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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