This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
