I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
