I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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