it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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