im drinking this country out of the recession.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
