she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize