our cab driver is having phone sex.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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