did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
