Tell her she can't have a vagina
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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