So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
