it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
