A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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