But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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