apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
