She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
